OBAMA: The Good, The Bad and The Wonka.

OK so I had some thoughts as I see all the excitement on television and on my friends pages. I hope you didn't come here looking for profound thoughts on this profound day. Not what I do. If you want that go ahead and go over to the same blog I use for that Chicago's View on Things.

I started the day whistling "Ding dong the Witch is Dead" all happy and looking forward to watching some CNN with my Dad and celebrating his birthday. My excitement and enthusiasm has been tempered by a late model pick up truck. As I opened my car door this morning a truck came FLYING by and splashed the entire front seat and dashboard of my car. The dashboard is dirty and wet with sludge. The dashboard. THERE'S NEVER BEEN DIRT ON MY DASHBOARD IN THE 6 YEARS I'VE OWNED MY CAR! NOW THERE'S WET DIRT YOU $%$#%@ SCREW YOU PICKUP TRUCK GUY! I HOPE YOU GET PULLED OVER AND THEY BEAT YOU WITH STICKS!

BUT... today is a happy occasion. Dashboard be damned. I've had some visions of the possibilities of what the next years can bring. I'm not as pie in the sky as some of my friends are about Barack Obama, sorry...correction, President Barack Obama. Now when I say pie in the sky remember most of my friends are aspiring if not already working actors. That's a whole different kind of democrat. That's zealot level, God bless'em (sorry about that to the wicken and atheists among you). I'm also not as grumpy pants as the more jaded of my friends saying there will be no difference at all and a politician is a politician.

So here are the options:

#1 THE GOOD

Days after being elected President Barack Obama begins the very real work of re-building the confidence of a tired and hurting nation. He enlists every possible mind in a nation full if amazing ones. People work on the very real issues and write realistic laws and proposals that are also in and of themselves, open to change. So we don't try and fail and never try again. The infrastructure of our nation is rebuilt from the roads to the information highways, so that we can all be connected in some way. There is such a swell of pride throughout the nation that hundreds of thousands of people give, not only from their bank accounts, but more importantly from their time, physically get out there. Under the Presidents leadership our agencies and forces begin to move away from the "Do what we say not what we do" mentality we have had and stop backing evil just to go back and fight it later. We stop doing the things that we would seek to punish and vilify other countries for. Slowly, and yes it will be slowly, we move toward the ideals that we brag to the rest of the world about but so seldom are willing to put into real action. We start to act intelligently in order to move towards a country and others to a world that is propelled by clean energy not held hostage by it. We lead by example and open dialogues with all countries that would seek to oppress their citizens, specific races and women. And because of our willingness to admit to, and stop, our own oppression, we will be taken seriously.

#2 THE BAD

President Barack Obama gets into office and it's more of the same. He spends way too much time listening to his Secretary of State and winds up selling every inch of this government to the highest bidder. After all he IS a politician from Illinois... and I'm from Chicago too anyone who wants to take offense to that. The world sees us as weaker and attacks from all fronts hoping to trade on our bleeding hearts. Not wanting to anger anyone he one by one gives back every inch of the nation to the country who had stolen it before we did which leaves us with a few spots in Nevada that everyone who came before us passed up anyway because it was too hot and dirty. After this we still think "Well his heart is in the right place even though he's pretty damn useless.... you know like Jimmy Carter!" until BAM he pulls of his mask and looks like Sam Neil! That's right, he's President Damien and we're all screwed! Vice President Joe Biden sprouts wings and takes to the air spitting fire down onto all red states first then the rest just for the hell of it. Hillary Clinton sheds her outer human skin and in her spider like form eats every top official in the order of succession until she is made president by default then requires every citizen of the world to literally feed their money into her...gills I guess.

#3 THE WONKA

President Barack Obama changes the national anthem to "Candy Man" and E Pluribus Unum is replaced with "We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams". He solves world hunger by turning one river in each country into a river of chocolate. He then develops a new technology in his factory to convert all cars to run on clean burning chocolate. The American Dream becomes a lottery in which every paycheck at middle class level or below has a 1 in 10 chance of holding the Golden Ticket which would make them Secretary of State for the day complete with a one-day $250,000 paycheck. We develop a coating for the entire nation that prevents us from being harmed by any weapon of any kind which also tastes like snozzberries. This also stops us from needing a military for protection and allows it to be transformed into a world peacekeeping brigade that delivers food and hugs to impoverished nations. (They get the candy coating too because people elsewhere can still suck but theirs is grape because it's more manly and they deserve to be special because they signed up before they knew it was gonna be all hugs).



Gotta tell you I'm keeping an open mind and hoping against hope that we will see some positive change.

In short I'm hoping for a little from #1 and a little from #3.

Happy O Day everyone!

Or,

Happy No W day!

........whichever makes you smile.

And in the spirit of change I'd like to say to that Truck Driving splasher from this morning... SCREW YOU YOU $%$@# I TAKE NOTHING BACK! MY DASHBOARD! MY DASHBOARD! MY DASHBOARD! I HOPE YOU CONTRACT SOMETHING ITCHY!

Blast from the past IV

I was searching through my stuff for anything even remotely political and it turns out I don't really care. But I DID find one! Here's something I ripped off one night while watching campaign ads and debates after the last last election:

I sit here loving this most wonderful time of the year.. with negative adding and celebrity fluffing coming out of each eaaaaaaaaaar. (that last part is to be sung)

Is there anything better? I mean really.. can you fathom anything as satisfying as a commercial equating a voting on a local ordinance to supporting the terrorists responsible for 9/11? I can't think of any!

Here is a handy chart for all of you aspiring politicians, speech writers or if you're just plain bat shit crazy and want to believe in something other than your underwear is conspiring to kill you:

If someone has at any time in their life watched a movie starring Tim Robbins or Jane Fonda:
This candidate strongly supports North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il

If someone is left handed:
This candidate favors abortion and the outlawing of prayer in schools

If someone has at any time read the works of Tennessee Williams
This candidate is for mandatory gay sex and hates the institution of marriage

If someone has unrealistic expectations for the future, does not hold strong to any convictions, loses sight of the most important objective, drinks to excess and punches babies
This candidate is a Cub's Fan

No suggestions for the comic strip name yet? Y'all are slacking.

A little slice of my life for you to enjoy.

Blast from the past III

Here are two little ditty's that went together well that deal with random thoughts and Karma. Enjoy:

It is much easier, I've found, to clean up cat vomit if you let it sit for a few days and hit it with a broom.

I think citizenship is something you should be able to take away from someone for smaller offenses.... such as talking during a movie, spending four to five hours a day talking about and arranging lunch, or smelling of coconut.

Just because you have the energy to go for a run does not mean you should. There are too many things you could miss like arguing for the twelfth time with your significant other about leaving things on the F*$@%n KITCHEN TABLE.

Being mean to someone is not nice unless you are very good at it and clever. Then it is an art form and should be respected.

If you do something nice like open the door for someone you have exactly enough Karma built up to spit on a child.

to be continued...

...continued!

As I was looking around my apartment thinking of new and creative ways to avoid cleaning it... It struck me that my first blog post did not go far enough into the Karma issue. For those of you interested I have contacted a few dirty hippies and pagans and asked them how Karma works. It is fascinating so much so in fact that I have compiled a chart for you. I hope this is helpful and I will keep looking out for more spiritual ways to be a heretic for you....enjoy:

KARMA EXCHANGE RATE:

Open the door for someone = Spit on a child

Give back a found wallet = 2 insensitive comments about the holocaust

Dinner with your Grandmother = Hit and Run in a parking lot

Switching shifts with a coworker = Defecating on someones front porch

Complimenting someone on their hard work = throwing a penny out of your car window on the highway

Lending someone $100 or more = Sleeping with their sister

Giving change to a homeless person = Tripping someone on crutches

Allowing someone to go ahead of you at the DMV = Punching a Nun in the breasts

Listening to a child's music recital = Homicide

Listening to Keanu Reeves talk about Philosophy = Genocide


Have Fun with your new skill set!

Still no name, just cleverness.. ness.

Another edition of my little comic strip. Thought it actually fit nicely with my last Blast from the past post. Enjoy!

Blast from the past II

Another one from the archives. Written after returning from a vacation to Kentucky with some family. This is a combination of thoughts I posted as comments on some peoples pages that I like to have junk proximity with (no explanation of that phrase will be given...it's mine). When I was re-reading these while smiling at myself in the mirror wearing my new hat I decided they pleased me and I should share with the class. So here you go:

What I Learned On My Summer Vacation.

By Tom Burns

• Can't get a tan when it rains.
• When it rains in Kentucky you may as well just lay down and sleep until it stops because no one else does ANYTHING. They just stand on their porches with not-so-bright looks on their faces.
• Vacation hats rock. You find your inner hillbilly.
• Fishing gets old.
• It takes me a total of 36 hours to get Chicago withdrawal.
• People shouldn't park too close to where I golf.
• Being the only one drinking all week is uncomfortable but not a good enough reason to stop doing so.
• Did I mention that vacation hats rock? I'm keeping mine... may become the birthday hat, breakup hat, bachelor party hat, lawn work hat, or (long shot) Saturday hat.
• I miss Wells...and I'm pretty sure it misses me too. But no one has called so...
• There ARE some VERY hot women in Kentucky. They are short but crazy hot. Problem is that each and every one of them is trailing four to five kids that look about one year apart each like a pack of baby fucking ducks and they use the glare off of their 50 karat diamonds as some sort of spot light to show them the way.
• Fishing gets old.
• Poker with no stakes is like watching old people fuck.
• I like to say the word fuck in front of old people (those last two things are not related).
• Dry county. Not cool.
• Murray State is desolate. If you have the chance to visit, bring teeth, you'll make a fortune.
• Wal-Mart is really the only thing in some peoples lives. They should move.
• When southern people have to stay late at work without being asked that whole "hospitality" and "charm" thing gets replaced with an attitude that would make Denis Leary cry.
• Vacation hats rock, I cannot stress this enough... you'll have to deal with me soon.
• I miss Chicago the second I leave it.
• Chicken livers are icky and unnecessary.

And finally...

Certain places were much more magical when you were sure you would die trying to ski and you were at an age where you could be mesmerized by a frog. I miss that. I miss that a lot.