Blast from the past II

Another one from the archives. Written after returning from a vacation to Kentucky with some family. This is a combination of thoughts I posted as comments on some peoples pages that I like to have junk proximity with (no explanation of that phrase will be given...it's mine). When I was re-reading these while smiling at myself in the mirror wearing my new hat I decided they pleased me and I should share with the class. So here you go:

What I Learned On My Summer Vacation.

By Tom Burns

• Can't get a tan when it rains.
• When it rains in Kentucky you may as well just lay down and sleep until it stops because no one else does ANYTHING. They just stand on their porches with not-so-bright looks on their faces.
• Vacation hats rock. You find your inner hillbilly.
• Fishing gets old.
• It takes me a total of 36 hours to get Chicago withdrawal.
• People shouldn't park too close to where I golf.
• Being the only one drinking all week is uncomfortable but not a good enough reason to stop doing so.
• Did I mention that vacation hats rock? I'm keeping mine... may become the birthday hat, breakup hat, bachelor party hat, lawn work hat, or (long shot) Saturday hat.
• I miss Wells...and I'm pretty sure it misses me too. But no one has called so...
• There ARE some VERY hot women in Kentucky. They are short but crazy hot. Problem is that each and every one of them is trailing four to five kids that look about one year apart each like a pack of baby fucking ducks and they use the glare off of their 50 karat diamonds as some sort of spot light to show them the way.
• Fishing gets old.
• Poker with no stakes is like watching old people fuck.
• I like to say the word fuck in front of old people (those last two things are not related).
• Dry county. Not cool.
• Murray State is desolate. If you have the chance to visit, bring teeth, you'll make a fortune.
• Wal-Mart is really the only thing in some peoples lives. They should move.
• When southern people have to stay late at work without being asked that whole "hospitality" and "charm" thing gets replaced with an attitude that would make Denis Leary cry.
• Vacation hats rock, I cannot stress this enough... you'll have to deal with me soon.
• I miss Chicago the second I leave it.
• Chicken livers are icky and unnecessary.

And finally...

Certain places were much more magical when you were sure you would die trying to ski and you were at an age where you could be mesmerized by a frog. I miss that. I miss that a lot.